"Diggin a Ditch" is Mirroring the Soul Right Now

I don't know why but depending on what's going on in my life, there's always music I identify with that mirrors what's happening. Lately I've been in a Dave Matthews Band state of mind and there's this song that reflects my mood and my soul, "Diggin a Ditch." As with many DMB songs, I'm not sure if I ever figure out exactly what he's talking about, but this song seems to really resonate with me for some reason right now.

Maybe it's because I feel like I'm going 100 miles an hour and can't slow down if I tried. Maybe it's because I am so busy doing stuff, I loathe the fact that I don't spend enough time with my kids or my wife. Maybe it's also because when I do have time with my loved ones, the anticipation and the expectations somehow control me and the time spent with them, doesn't measure up.

Part of the song goes like this...

"Run to your dreaming

When you're alone

Unplug the TV, turn off your phone

Get heavy on with digging your ditch

Cause I'm digging a ditch where madness gives a bit

Digging a ditch where silence lives

Digging a ditch for when I'm old

Digging this ditch my story's told"

Again, I'm no expert on interpreting DMB songs but with this opening part, I know what it seems to mean to me. The singer is consumed with obligations and the busy-ness of his life that he's beginning to go crazy. So he does the only thing he can to escape. When he's alone he can unplug the 'noise' around him and work out some frustration in a mundane task like digging a ditch. The very act of blunt, hard labor blocks out the noise and busy-ness of his life and his madness does give in a bit.

My middle daughter, Kaelyn, was complaining earlier this week that we don't get to spend time as a family. Yesterday, remembering she said this, and realizing that I had a couple of hours to spend with her and her younger sister, I suggested that we play "Rock Band" on the Wii. So we got the drums and guitar out and wailed on a few songs. We were having fun up to the point when she wanted to play with her friend, Sarah, who lives a couple of doors down. We argued about it a bit because I wanted to spend some time with her and she wanted to also spend some time with her friend. Upset, eventually I gave in. Well it turned out that Sarah wasn't home and instead of resuming our play together, I read a book, Kaelyn watched TV upstairs, and the youngest (Abby) watched a different TV show downstairs. We did this mostly because I wanted to dig my ditch instead of play with my kids. By the time she returned home from finding out that Sarah could not play with her, my attitude was already in the gutter because of my unreasonable expectations.

A similar incident happened with my wife later in the evening. Unreasonable anticipation and expectations that no one should have to live up to... again got the better of me.

And meanwhile I unplug the TV and turn of the phone, so I can get heavy on with diggin my ditch.

The Book Club and the Ripple Effect

Yesterday I attended my first book club meeting as an honorary member of the Apex UMC Youth. I am lucky enough to be a Senior High Youth Counselor because of my youth pastor, Lee, and I am also fortunate that the fantastic youth we have at our church consider me to be 'okay' enough to join them for activities like their book club.

We discussed many different aspects of The Shack, by William Young. Although Molly and I apparently were the only ones present who were able to finish it prior to the meeting, everyone had a contribution. That's what I love about book clubs (I think... because it's the first one I've ever been to). You can make a contribution to the discussion because ultimately we're talking about how the story applies to our lives. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to have completed the book, but some knowledge of it is helpful. Quite honestly I don't see how teens find time to participate in worthwhile things like 'book club' when they have so many other things going on. I certainly didn't start reading for fun until I became an adult. But I digress.

In any case we got off on a tangent at one point, as discussions often do whenever I'm apart of them. Somehow we started talking about how our choices can affect the people around us. The effect can be dramatic or not so much. It can also be positive, negative or maybe indifferent I suppose.

Immediately I made the connection that sometimes our actions may seem small and insignificant, and yet they have a far reaching effect on the people around us. My personal example of this happens to involve my oldest daughter, Hailey.

Several years ago I had a job that paid decent money and at the same time I was absolutely miserable. I don't remember much about the particular work situation that had me so distraught one afternoon while sitting on my back deck, watching our kids play in the yard. I do recall that I was wrapped up in thought, lamenting about what to do and not even remotely focused on the joy of my daughters. The blessings of life were passing me by that afternoon and I didn't even have a clue.

Thankfully, two people had a clue about what was happening: God and Hailey. I'm convinced to this day that God and Hailey were having a sidebar conversation about me without my knowledge. The moment I was made aware of this happened through a small interaction I had that afternoon with Hailey. As she was playing with her sister, she ran by me as I was sitting there consumed in thought. She stopped cold in her tracks, looked straight at me and said, "Daddy (to get my attention so that I would make eye contact with her), I think God wants you to do whatever is in your heart." Then she went on playing like she never missed a beat or said anything at all to me.

Whoa! It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had not even considered to ask God what he thought about what was going on. In fact it had been a long time since I had even prayed. At that moment I thanked God again for the beautiful gift of Hailey and for giving her such clarity to be able to speak the truth about matters that seemed far too 'adult' for her to comprehend. Jesus says in Matthew 11:28, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children." Thanks be to God.

I retold this story to my book club buds yesterday. One of my friends, Keela, asked me if I was going to tell Hailey about this. Up to this point Hailey doesn't know what kind of impact she made on me. Eventually I left that job for one that was less demanding on my time with my family and I enjoyed it far more (even if it did pay less). I made some joke that I will probably tell her at some significant event in her life like graduation or her wedding. And I said I probably will be so choked up with emotion that the tears won't allow me to tell the story.

But, why is it that I am waiting again?

Jason DeGroff, another friend of mine, once said, "never miss an opportunity to tell others what they mean to you." I agree with that statement and it's time I started living it again.

The fact is we don't truly know what life has in store for us tomorrow or if there ever will be a tomorrow. Life is such a beautiful gift from God and we don't even know enough to be able to truly put that into the proper context.

I am certain that random acts of kindness, whether small or big, have profound effects on others, sometimes more than we realize. Whether it's a huge fundraiser to build wells in Africa because everyone should have access to clean drinking water, or it's a simple smile in the direction of a stranger because everyone deserves to be acknowledged as a child of God -- spreading love and good will is always the right thing to do.

When I get home this evening, I am going to tell the story of that day that changed my life to Hailey. I will try to express in words what she means to me and yet I know I will fall dreadfully short of my true feelings. I will tell her I love her and I am proud of her.

And to my wife, Monica... If for some reason I don't make it home tonight, please share this story with Hailey. She deserves to know.