Sooo... I'm Back

Judging from the date of my last blog post, it has been over six months since I have written anything here. Funny thing is that I could have written about a lot of stuff and yet I have chosen not to for some reason. I guess it's the old perfectionist attitude in me that says "if it can't be perfect, don't do it all... and do boring stuff like watching TV all day... and whatnot." (I love the conversation filler 'and whatnot' because it really doesn't say or describe anything but at the same time it tells a lot... and whatnot.)

I recently read Don Miller's new book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, and it inspired me write this post this morning. An email from an old friend further encouraged me to sit down in front of my keyboard and do this.

Life and time are just passing me by these days and I need something to help me feel productive at the same time so I'm writing. So this post is to relieve the log jam of ideas and experiences I have stored up so I can fulfill the objective stated in the previous sentence.

If I'm the only one who reads this, then I believe it will have been time well spent. By the way, the picture is our newest addition, Carter. She was born July 6, 2009. We'll talk about her story later.

Reciprocal Blessings?

As a youth I never participated in my church’s youth group. So I am unsure what originally drew me to get involved in the lives of church youth. Maybe it had something to do with swim coaching kids for five years and thoroughly enjoying their company and watching them grow. Maybe it was because I felt like I missed something when I was that age and now I am trying to relive that part of my life through the lives of our church’s youth. Whatever the reason, my wife Monica and I first became youth counselors when we lived in Hickory, NC. After moving to the Apex area and after Lee Barnes became a pastor, we were afforded another opportunity to participate in the spiritual lives of the senior high youth at Apex UMC. That choice to get involved has blessed my life to a degree that cannot be expressed with words.

Becoming a youth counselor is similar to a lot of things in life. You are inevitably bound to go through ‘highs’ and ‘lows.’ There are times when I am overcome with excitement, joy, and appreciation for what God is doing in the lives of young people, not to mention my own. And there are other times when I question if I have what it takes to mentor this group of people. Am I really making a difference? Sometimes I question whether God has really called me to this ministry with younger people. At the end of the day, I do believe I am called to actively participate in our youths’ lives and I relish the opportunity to offer them my support, love, and guidance through true friendship.

“Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and glorify your father in heaven,” (Matthew 5:16) is not only one of my favorite verses from the Bible, it is also something I try to emulate. I can certainly tell you that our youth have been great examples for me in this way. I remember last year I had the opportunity to participate in the 30-hour famine with some of our senior high. During this fasting campaign, the youth were split into groups and given $40 and the instructions to go out into the community and do as much good as you can possibly do. The contest was to be judged to see who best utilized their time and resources.

Our group decided to use the money to buy food at BJ’s, assemble bag lunches, and then visit the homeless in Raleigh to distribute them. We bought the food and assembled more than 40 bags; complete with bottled water, then we drove up to downtown Raleigh. We split up the bags among the members of the group and walked into an area near Moore’s Square where we met several homeless folks who were hungry. We gave out the lunches in less than five minutes. It broke my heart to see so many people in need. I took the time acknowledge each person who received a bag from me with the phrase, “may God bless you.” I also took the time to look at the faces of the other members in our group. Their light was shining forth in such a way that I glorified God, thanking him for the opportunity to be in fellowship with this wonderful group of young people.

That group project is just one of many exciting examples of how the youth of our church serve in ways that lead me to praise God for them every single day. They selflessly serve in ministries such as small group and worship leading in 252 Basics, they take part in FamilyTime, they lead other small groups, and they participate in missions like Appalachian Service Project and Apex Outreach Service Project. Quite often on Sunday mornings you will find some of them teaching or helping in Sunday school classes of younger children. Incidentally, isn’t it odd that members of our youth are more likely to agree to substitute in a children’s Sunday school class than some parents are?

Our youth have had a tremendous impact on my life and undoubtedly the lives of many others in our community and our world. I pray that God will use me in a similar fashion to bless their lives as they continue to learn, dream, grow, and serve. If I could positively affect their lives half as much as they have affected mine, it would indeed be an answer to prayer.

Patience

It has been forty-one days since my last day at Environmental Quality Management. The private equity firm that bought a majority share of the company a couple of years ago decided in January that cost-cutting measures needed to be implemented for the good of the company. Like many companies in this rough economic climate, the board chose to lay off several people as part of that cost reduction strategy and along with fourteen others, I was laid off. I wasn't surprised necessarily because many companies over the last several months have been laying people off. But I guess until it happens to you, many people like me don't think it will ever happen.

Since that day I have survived by the grace of God and the love and support of family and friends. Generally speaking I have been upbeat, positive and hopeful about the future, trusting God that everything will work out according to his plan. It is quite remarkable actually. If my faith was not as strong as it is now, I think I would be in a much darker place. I am thankful for the many blessings that I have received over my lifetime and my good friend taught me to also pray for those blessings that also have not been received. It's comforting but why do I find it hard at this particular moment to be patient, waiting for that next career opportunity to materialize?

I have been fairly diligent in my job hunting efforts, although I probably could devote a little more time and energy to it. And I have been fortunate to interview for a couple of opportunities over the past month or so. It's coming down to the end for one opportunity in particular where I have interviewed with six different people including the president and vice president of the company, but still no good word on who and when they expect to hire. What's frustrating is they have moved the target hire date a couple of times since I first interviewed over a month ago. The latest news is they plan to make a decision by the end of this week. It wouldn't surprise me if they decided to push that date back even further. The excrutiating thing for me is that I am growing more and more impatient as the days and interviews continue. I know God is giving me this time to be patient for Him, but it is becoming increasingly difficult.

I suppose I will find out soon enough and I have prepared myself for the worst. The position will be awarded to either me or another candidate who is also in the running. My fear at this point is that I have not prepared myself enough for the worst.

Christmas Remembered

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. For He has taught me more about grace this Christmas season through the behavior of my children that privately brought me tears of joy.

In an earlier post titled, "How did Christmas get so screwed up," I lamented the fact that I have confused my children regarding the true meaning of Christmas. I prayed for God to forgive me for confusing my children's hearts with things that were not of Him and that his true love would shine through in their hearts this Christmas season. I know now that this prayer was answered and may have already been answered before I knew it. My fear was that my children would somehow be disappointed on Christmas morning and through that disappointment they would lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas, God's gift to this world through the birth of our Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus.

Preparing for the worst but hoping for the best on this Christmas morning 2008, I was pleasantly filled with joy. My children taught me a little more about grace and humility on that day, giving me another booster shot of faith that eventually brought me to tears.

The dilemma was they had Christmas lists that were at least a mile long and they were going to receive only a few things from those lists. Even though I know that the only good gifts come from God and are not of this world, still we have somehow bought into the materialism that is our societal norm evidenced by our daughters' wish lists.

Christmas morning came and our daughters received a modest amount of gifts from Santa, her parents and her grandparents. But instead of the disappointment I expected to see from them, I saw grace, humility, thankfulness, and love.

It culminated in an exchange between Monica and Kaelyn.

Monica: [to Kaelyn] "Did you get everything you wanted?"

I cringed when she asked this, thinking that the response would be disappointing.

Kaelyn: "Yes... and then some"

I'm quite certain that no one saw the tears that welled up in my eyes at Kaelyn's response to my wife's question. These tears of joy were evidence to me that Kaelyn knows that Christmas is not about getting every single thing you write down on your list. Later I asked her what is the reason that we celebrate Christmas. She answered simply, "Jesus' birth."

That is all I needed to hear.

All praise and glory are yours, God. Thank you for blessing me with children who know you better than I do. Thank you for having faith in me even when I doubt you at times. I do not know why you have blessed me far beyond my wildest dreams because you know I don't deserve it. But I'm so glad that you have. I pray that you will allow me to utilize those blessings to bless others in ways that they give you praise and glorify you.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Only His name isn't Santa Claus.

Thank you, God.

Catching up...

Why is it that a lot of us feel as though we're trying to 'catch up' all the time? To 'catch up' means that you have also bought the assumption that you are 'behind.' Which brings me to another favorite saying I heard my mother express from time to time, "it'll get done when it gets done."

Whether you are a task master or a person who suffers with the symptoms of ADHD, accomplishing things is what we all do. Feeling that you need to catch up on your various tasks can be objective, although in many cases it is subjective - meaning that many of us carry around undue anxiety to 'catch up.' Well I'm through. I'm through with making myself feel like I'm desperately trying to bail out the Titanic with a thimble.

So today, instead of 'catching up,' I decided to read some of the posts from the blogs I follow. My new pal Greg (who is a friend of a friend who decided to chronicle the battle he's currently having with cancer) referenced part of a Christmas poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson in his blog, Greg's Alien (http://gregsalien.blogspot.com/2008/12/hair-todaygone-today.html). I took a deep breath, exhaled and read the poem in it's entirety. If you've stumbled upon this blog by accident (which can be the only reason why you're reading this right now) and you want to read the poem too, here it is... http://www.carols.org.uk/snow-ring-out-wild-bells-tennyson.htm. Happy Christmas and may your joy be full this holiday season!

How did Christmas get so screwed up?

We used to make fun of my older cousin Kim and her husband Mike. They have three beautiful children and neither of them know or have ever known Santa Claus to be real. What? Where is the fun in that? Lately I've been thinking that maybe Kim and Mike were right.

I remember when my wife Monica and I had a our first child, Hailey. We were comfortably juggling the whole secular Santa Claus deal with the celebration of the coming of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We were smugly confident that our parenting during the advent season was far superior to that of my older cousin and her husband. Now that our children are older (10, 8 and 5), I am struggling with the pressure of the secular Santa Claus and what I know to be the real reason for the season, the day God came to us in human form - the Word made flesh, dwelling among us (John 1:14). We're in church every Sunday throughout the year and I wonder if my children have truly grasped the meaning of Christmas.

Christmas Past

One Christmas when Hailey and Kaelyn were younger and before Abigail's birth, God blessed us with more than enough financial means for what our family needed. We promptly took that blessing and spent it on our kids for Christmas. Monica and were careful to ensure that each child received the same amount of gifts (9 each plus overflowing stockings) so that it would be "fair." We were so excited on Christmas eve with the anticipation of the joy that would come on Christmas morning for our two darlings when they would realize the truly amazing splendor that Santa had left for them the night before.

On Christmas mornings I'm usually delegated the role of picture-taker. This morning between pictures I carefully studied Hailey and Kaelyn's behavior as they dived into the Christmas cornucopia. It began with both of them carefully unwrapping the first of the gifts they selected. I don't remember what they opened, but each one expressed how excited they were to receive those gifts. It was exactly what they wanted and they could not believe how Santa knew exactly what to bring. Then they moved on to their second gifts, opening them with excitement and a little faster than they unwrapped the first. Again they expressed their gratitude for gift number two just like number one. They moved on to number three as if they suddenly realized that there was a lot of gifts to open and lots of joy to be had. They tore into these gifts with extreme vigor and while they expressed thanks for gift number three, you could see that they were more excited with the anticipation of what might be in gift numbers 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.

Total chaos ensued. Hailey and Kaelyn ripped through the rest of their Christmas packages with an unquenchable thirst for realizing the splendor for all that would be theirs, and at the same time they lost appreciation for all they received. When there were no more gifts left to open, somehow they were disappointed that there were no more gifts left to open. I remember thinking, "what have we done to our children."

Christmas Present

Times are a little tougher now financially than they were during the Christmas of selfish splendor. Monica and I both are making less money than we used to and the Christmas lists of our children are more demanding on our bank account. I don't know if we'll be able to afford the one thing that each of our daughters want the most on their respective lists. We haven't bought the first thing for any of them yet. I suppose we are avoiding the inevitable. What if there was nothing to open on Christmas morning from Santa? Would they still believe in the true meaning of Christmas despite the societal pressure of disappointment in not receiving something from Santa? It's ironic that Christ came to save us from the world that we have created and somehow we find ways to keep perpetuating worldly desires instead of seeking God's perfect will for our lives. As Christmas day approaches, I find myself dreading this reality. This mess I've created for my kids has brought them closer to the world and further away from God.

Christmas Future

God, I pray that you will save my kids from the mess I have created. The only good things in this life come from you and I ask that you forgive me for confusing my children's hearts with desires that are not from you. I pray that your goodness will shine through in their hearts now and forever more so that they may know true joy and happiness that comes with the fullness of knowing that you loved us so much that you sent your son into our world to dwell among us and pay the ultimate price with his life so that we may be reconciled back to you despite our failure into sin. I pray that your truth will be so evident this Christmas season that they will be truly blessed so they may also be a blessing to others.

Is it possible that Mike and Kim had it right all along? I certainly have not poked fun at the way they have raised their children to believe in the true reason for the Christmas season, forsaking the tradition of Santa Claus.

One week left until Christmas. Lord please see me through it.

Can't Seem to Catch a Break Lately

Monica and I traveled together to the funeral home last night. Once again, we were reminded of God's precious gift of life with the unexpected death of yet another young person in our congregation. Katy Williams was too young to leave her family and friends behind for the life eternal with God. She is survived by her husband, Tim and two young daughters, Ashley and Shannon, who are five and three years old respectively. What a glorious mess we are in.

On most Sundays you could see Katy singing beautifully along with our church's praise band at either the 9:35 or 11:00 am service. She was a wonderful daughter, sister, wife and mother, who cared deeply for the people she loved. Although I did not know Katy as well as many people did, anyone could testify to Katy's love by seeing the way she interacted with her family. Seeing the rest of her family and friends last night solidified the fact in my mind that she was also loved by many and will surely be missed terribly as we attempt to carry on with our lives without her.

I know life isn't fair, but it doesn't keep me from saying, "it isn't fair!" I don't have a frame of reference for making any sense of this. And what's worse is I'm having trouble emphathizing with Tim right now. I can't imagine having my 'healthy' wife with me one day, seeing her go into the hospital the next, see things go from bad to worse on the following day, and then receive the news from medical staff that she passed away. What? It can't be happening? It's not real? Is it?

This morning as I was driving to work, I thought about how I would try to cope with what Tim's going through. How would I answer my daughters' questions about where exactly is Mommy? How would I be able to sleep at night? What would I do without the person that I shared every intimate detail of my life with? Would I even be able to sleep in the same bedroom we shared? I don't even know whose socks belong to whom. Monica does ALL the laundry in our house.

I became overwhelmed and started to cry. Selfishly I thanked God that Monica is alive and I am deeply saddened by Tim's loss. I can't even imagine right now how Ashley and Shannon are dealing with this.

Last night I was almost completetly numb as Monica and I passed through the receiving line and met some of Tim and Katy's family. What in the world do you say? I kept my comments short and mostly said things like, "it's nice to meet you" and "I'm sorry for your loss." When I met Katy's dad, I foolishly let the words 'how are you' slip out of my mouth. I had a quick mental conversation with myself. "Well, Benny, how do you think he is, Stupid ?" I wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere and I pray he wasn't affected by my foolish greeting.

When I finally got to Tim, I gave him a big hug and was purposeful in not letting go too soon. I can't imagine how he's actually feeling right now, but I suppose if it was me, I would want lots of hugs from friends and family who don't let go too soon. Katy certainly left our midst way too soon.