Patience

It has been forty-one days since my last day at Environmental Quality Management. The private equity firm that bought a majority share of the company a couple of years ago decided in January that cost-cutting measures needed to be implemented for the good of the company. Like many companies in this rough economic climate, the board chose to lay off several people as part of that cost reduction strategy and along with fourteen others, I was laid off. I wasn't surprised necessarily because many companies over the last several months have been laying people off. But I guess until it happens to you, many people like me don't think it will ever happen.

Since that day I have survived by the grace of God and the love and support of family and friends. Generally speaking I have been upbeat, positive and hopeful about the future, trusting God that everything will work out according to his plan. It is quite remarkable actually. If my faith was not as strong as it is now, I think I would be in a much darker place. I am thankful for the many blessings that I have received over my lifetime and my good friend taught me to also pray for those blessings that also have not been received. It's comforting but why do I find it hard at this particular moment to be patient, waiting for that next career opportunity to materialize?

I have been fairly diligent in my job hunting efforts, although I probably could devote a little more time and energy to it. And I have been fortunate to interview for a couple of opportunities over the past month or so. It's coming down to the end for one opportunity in particular where I have interviewed with six different people including the president and vice president of the company, but still no good word on who and when they expect to hire. What's frustrating is they have moved the target hire date a couple of times since I first interviewed over a month ago. The latest news is they plan to make a decision by the end of this week. It wouldn't surprise me if they decided to push that date back even further. The excrutiating thing for me is that I am growing more and more impatient as the days and interviews continue. I know God is giving me this time to be patient for Him, but it is becoming increasingly difficult.

I suppose I will find out soon enough and I have prepared myself for the worst. The position will be awarded to either me or another candidate who is also in the running. My fear at this point is that I have not prepared myself enough for the worst.

Christmas Remembered

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. For He has taught me more about grace this Christmas season through the behavior of my children that privately brought me tears of joy.

In an earlier post titled, "How did Christmas get so screwed up," I lamented the fact that I have confused my children regarding the true meaning of Christmas. I prayed for God to forgive me for confusing my children's hearts with things that were not of Him and that his true love would shine through in their hearts this Christmas season. I know now that this prayer was answered and may have already been answered before I knew it. My fear was that my children would somehow be disappointed on Christmas morning and through that disappointment they would lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas, God's gift to this world through the birth of our Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus.

Preparing for the worst but hoping for the best on this Christmas morning 2008, I was pleasantly filled with joy. My children taught me a little more about grace and humility on that day, giving me another booster shot of faith that eventually brought me to tears.

The dilemma was they had Christmas lists that were at least a mile long and they were going to receive only a few things from those lists. Even though I know that the only good gifts come from God and are not of this world, still we have somehow bought into the materialism that is our societal norm evidenced by our daughters' wish lists.

Christmas morning came and our daughters received a modest amount of gifts from Santa, her parents and her grandparents. But instead of the disappointment I expected to see from them, I saw grace, humility, thankfulness, and love.

It culminated in an exchange between Monica and Kaelyn.

Monica: [to Kaelyn] "Did you get everything you wanted?"

I cringed when she asked this, thinking that the response would be disappointing.

Kaelyn: "Yes... and then some"

I'm quite certain that no one saw the tears that welled up in my eyes at Kaelyn's response to my wife's question. These tears of joy were evidence to me that Kaelyn knows that Christmas is not about getting every single thing you write down on your list. Later I asked her what is the reason that we celebrate Christmas. She answered simply, "Jesus' birth."

That is all I needed to hear.

All praise and glory are yours, God. Thank you for blessing me with children who know you better than I do. Thank you for having faith in me even when I doubt you at times. I do not know why you have blessed me far beyond my wildest dreams because you know I don't deserve it. But I'm so glad that you have. I pray that you will allow me to utilize those blessings to bless others in ways that they give you praise and glorify you.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Only His name isn't Santa Claus.

Thank you, God.

Catching up...

Why is it that a lot of us feel as though we're trying to 'catch up' all the time? To 'catch up' means that you have also bought the assumption that you are 'behind.' Which brings me to another favorite saying I heard my mother express from time to time, "it'll get done when it gets done."

Whether you are a task master or a person who suffers with the symptoms of ADHD, accomplishing things is what we all do. Feeling that you need to catch up on your various tasks can be objective, although in many cases it is subjective - meaning that many of us carry around undue anxiety to 'catch up.' Well I'm through. I'm through with making myself feel like I'm desperately trying to bail out the Titanic with a thimble.

So today, instead of 'catching up,' I decided to read some of the posts from the blogs I follow. My new pal Greg (who is a friend of a friend who decided to chronicle the battle he's currently having with cancer) referenced part of a Christmas poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson in his blog, Greg's Alien (http://gregsalien.blogspot.com/2008/12/hair-todaygone-today.html). I took a deep breath, exhaled and read the poem in it's entirety. If you've stumbled upon this blog by accident (which can be the only reason why you're reading this right now) and you want to read the poem too, here it is... http://www.carols.org.uk/snow-ring-out-wild-bells-tennyson.htm. Happy Christmas and may your joy be full this holiday season!

How did Christmas get so screwed up?

We used to make fun of my older cousin Kim and her husband Mike. They have three beautiful children and neither of them know or have ever known Santa Claus to be real. What? Where is the fun in that? Lately I've been thinking that maybe Kim and Mike were right.

I remember when my wife Monica and I had a our first child, Hailey. We were comfortably juggling the whole secular Santa Claus deal with the celebration of the coming of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We were smugly confident that our parenting during the advent season was far superior to that of my older cousin and her husband. Now that our children are older (10, 8 and 5), I am struggling with the pressure of the secular Santa Claus and what I know to be the real reason for the season, the day God came to us in human form - the Word made flesh, dwelling among us (John 1:14). We're in church every Sunday throughout the year and I wonder if my children have truly grasped the meaning of Christmas.

Christmas Past

One Christmas when Hailey and Kaelyn were younger and before Abigail's birth, God blessed us with more than enough financial means for what our family needed. We promptly took that blessing and spent it on our kids for Christmas. Monica and were careful to ensure that each child received the same amount of gifts (9 each plus overflowing stockings) so that it would be "fair." We were so excited on Christmas eve with the anticipation of the joy that would come on Christmas morning for our two darlings when they would realize the truly amazing splendor that Santa had left for them the night before.

On Christmas mornings I'm usually delegated the role of picture-taker. This morning between pictures I carefully studied Hailey and Kaelyn's behavior as they dived into the Christmas cornucopia. It began with both of them carefully unwrapping the first of the gifts they selected. I don't remember what they opened, but each one expressed how excited they were to receive those gifts. It was exactly what they wanted and they could not believe how Santa knew exactly what to bring. Then they moved on to their second gifts, opening them with excitement and a little faster than they unwrapped the first. Again they expressed their gratitude for gift number two just like number one. They moved on to number three as if they suddenly realized that there was a lot of gifts to open and lots of joy to be had. They tore into these gifts with extreme vigor and while they expressed thanks for gift number three, you could see that they were more excited with the anticipation of what might be in gift numbers 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.

Total chaos ensued. Hailey and Kaelyn ripped through the rest of their Christmas packages with an unquenchable thirst for realizing the splendor for all that would be theirs, and at the same time they lost appreciation for all they received. When there were no more gifts left to open, somehow they were disappointed that there were no more gifts left to open. I remember thinking, "what have we done to our children."

Christmas Present

Times are a little tougher now financially than they were during the Christmas of selfish splendor. Monica and I both are making less money than we used to and the Christmas lists of our children are more demanding on our bank account. I don't know if we'll be able to afford the one thing that each of our daughters want the most on their respective lists. We haven't bought the first thing for any of them yet. I suppose we are avoiding the inevitable. What if there was nothing to open on Christmas morning from Santa? Would they still believe in the true meaning of Christmas despite the societal pressure of disappointment in not receiving something from Santa? It's ironic that Christ came to save us from the world that we have created and somehow we find ways to keep perpetuating worldly desires instead of seeking God's perfect will for our lives. As Christmas day approaches, I find myself dreading this reality. This mess I've created for my kids has brought them closer to the world and further away from God.

Christmas Future

God, I pray that you will save my kids from the mess I have created. The only good things in this life come from you and I ask that you forgive me for confusing my children's hearts with desires that are not from you. I pray that your goodness will shine through in their hearts now and forever more so that they may know true joy and happiness that comes with the fullness of knowing that you loved us so much that you sent your son into our world to dwell among us and pay the ultimate price with his life so that we may be reconciled back to you despite our failure into sin. I pray that your truth will be so evident this Christmas season that they will be truly blessed so they may also be a blessing to others.

Is it possible that Mike and Kim had it right all along? I certainly have not poked fun at the way they have raised their children to believe in the true reason for the Christmas season, forsaking the tradition of Santa Claus.

One week left until Christmas. Lord please see me through it.

Can't Seem to Catch a Break Lately

Monica and I traveled together to the funeral home last night. Once again, we were reminded of God's precious gift of life with the unexpected death of yet another young person in our congregation. Katy Williams was too young to leave her family and friends behind for the life eternal with God. She is survived by her husband, Tim and two young daughters, Ashley and Shannon, who are five and three years old respectively. What a glorious mess we are in.

On most Sundays you could see Katy singing beautifully along with our church's praise band at either the 9:35 or 11:00 am service. She was a wonderful daughter, sister, wife and mother, who cared deeply for the people she loved. Although I did not know Katy as well as many people did, anyone could testify to Katy's love by seeing the way she interacted with her family. Seeing the rest of her family and friends last night solidified the fact in my mind that she was also loved by many and will surely be missed terribly as we attempt to carry on with our lives without her.

I know life isn't fair, but it doesn't keep me from saying, "it isn't fair!" I don't have a frame of reference for making any sense of this. And what's worse is I'm having trouble emphathizing with Tim right now. I can't imagine having my 'healthy' wife with me one day, seeing her go into the hospital the next, see things go from bad to worse on the following day, and then receive the news from medical staff that she passed away. What? It can't be happening? It's not real? Is it?

This morning as I was driving to work, I thought about how I would try to cope with what Tim's going through. How would I answer my daughters' questions about where exactly is Mommy? How would I be able to sleep at night? What would I do without the person that I shared every intimate detail of my life with? Would I even be able to sleep in the same bedroom we shared? I don't even know whose socks belong to whom. Monica does ALL the laundry in our house.

I became overwhelmed and started to cry. Selfishly I thanked God that Monica is alive and I am deeply saddened by Tim's loss. I can't even imagine right now how Ashley and Shannon are dealing with this.

Last night I was almost completetly numb as Monica and I passed through the receiving line and met some of Tim and Katy's family. What in the world do you say? I kept my comments short and mostly said things like, "it's nice to meet you" and "I'm sorry for your loss." When I met Katy's dad, I foolishly let the words 'how are you' slip out of my mouth. I had a quick mental conversation with myself. "Well, Benny, how do you think he is, Stupid ?" I wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere and I pray he wasn't affected by my foolish greeting.

When I finally got to Tim, I gave him a big hug and was purposeful in not letting go too soon. I can't imagine how he's actually feeling right now, but I suppose if it was me, I would want lots of hugs from friends and family who don't let go too soon. Katy certainly left our midst way too soon.

Historical Moment in Our Nation and State

It all began on Monday night when our three girls were invited to spend the night with my parents. They were enjoying a two-day break from school and the second happen to be Super Tuesday. But this was not just Super Tuesday, but it was Historical Super Tuesday. And because Monica and I had to work on Monday and Tuesday, my parents graciously offered to look after the kids for us. Thank God for grandparents - even though they tend to let them watch t.v. programs and movies that we wished they would have preapproved with us beforehand. No matter though because a historical moment would take place by the end of the day, Tuesday.



By the end of the day's voting our nation would either have the first African-American president ever or the first female vice-president ever. It was exciting to say the least. And to top it off, in North Carolina we would decide if this would be the year we would elect the first woman governor of our state. My anticipation rivaled that of a Duke-UNC basketball game, which is pretty exciting for me.



So having the kids spend the night with their Nana and Papa on Monday night made it possible for Monica and me to vote together before we made our way into work. Mostly I voted democratic this time around, a stark contrast from the last election. I don't know what it is but the more books I read, the more people I meet, and the more praying I do, I have aligned more with ideaology that is on the left. It's funny. I thought that the more I became religiously faithful, I would certainly become part of the evangelical Christian right. But that's not the case.



The results reflected the poker equivalent of a full house. Barak Obama and Joe Biden were elected president and vice president respectively. Bev Perdue became the first woman governor of North Carolina, after serving two terms as lieutenant governor. And Kay Hagan unseated Libby Dole for the U.S. Senate seat. All three races were expected to be close but I didn't believe that all democrats would get elected. It's certainly a testimony to the way things have gone recently with a republican-led government in our nation's past eight years.



The part that saddens me is I fear we have not pulled ourselves out of playing partisan politics when it comes to dealing with the issues our nation faces. I'm afraid that our two-party system perpetuates this 'us' versus 'them' attitude and we cannot seem to look past petty differences to accomplish the work that is before us.



With a weak economy, an unpopular war in the middle east, a deficient healthcare system, tax burdens, a failing social security system, and so on, we have plenty of work to do. But how much can we realistically accomplish? Will anyone step up the courage and take his/her ego out of the equation in order to work with others to make this a better America and better world to live in? I am cautiously optimistic.

Out of Time, But Not Easily Forgotten

You can easily become consumed with trying to find answers to questions that begin with the word, why. Why is the sky blue? Why does only one sock return from the wash whenever two go in? Why do certain smells (like recently cut grass) remind me so much of my childhood?



Then there are the why questions that touch us even deeper. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does love hurt so bad sometimes? Why does a beautiful, selfless 26 year-old woman who comes from a good and faithful family die of cancer during the prime of her life, while others who seem to be selfishly motivated most of their lives, live to a ripe old age?



Although I didn't know Corey Haddon, I knew people in our congregation who did. On October 26th, 2008, this 26-year old woman lost her battle with melanoma and there are no easy answers to the question why. Why did this happen to her? Why did this happen to her family? Where was God during all of this?

For difficult questions there are no easy answers. Furthermore I am repelled by things people say who believe they have the answers. I'm talking about well-meaning Christians who say things like, "this was God's will," or "the Lord needed her in heaven." What's worse is there are people who will use unfortunate and tragic examples like the untimely death of a young person, to perpetuate the belief that God does not exist. They will argue that a loving and just god would not allow such things to happen and therefore he does not exist. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have even a few of them. I do know that seeing the faith of the Haddon family during her funeral and hearing the stories that were told about Corey I am certain (now more than ever) that God does, in fact exist! I could feel his presence right there in that church sanctuary and I was certain that he had been with Corey and her family during their most difficult times recently.

Because of her faith and the fullness of God's grace, she positively touched many people that she knew and many who did not know her. People like me. She lived her life growing into the fullness of God's plans for her. Even during the last few weeks of her life, Corey used her God-given talents to create. Her artistic ability and the relationships she cultivated in her relatively short time on this earth were lovingly displayed during her funeral on Friday. It is happily obvious that during her life she loved many and was loved by many. In her death her testimony lives on through the people's lives she touched.

As for the why questions, I have resolved to believe that there are some things in life that will remain a mystery. I don't know why bad things happen to good people. I have to admit that when they do, my faith is tested and doubt enters in. But as the Danish philosopher, Soren Kierkegard, points out, faith cannot exist without doubt. The beauty is that we have the opportunity to choose whether we will believe in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

One of my favorite musical groups, Caedmon's Call, accurately describe this phenomenon in the song Shifting Sand. The chorus goes like this...

"My faith is like shifting sand

Changed by every wave

My faith is like shifting sand

So I stand on grace"

I can't explain a God who would continue to love me, even as I doubt him. His grace is wonderfully sufficient for me. The last verse is...

"Waters rose as my doubts reigned

My sand-castle faith, it slipped away

Found myself standing on your grace

It'd been there all the time"

Though the sand in the hourglass of Corey's life has run out here on this earth, she lives a victorious new life with Christ. Her legacy will undoubtedly live on in the people she has left behind for a short time.

The question I find asking myself today is not why any more. But do I have the courage to live my life like Corey did? Do I dare live into the fullness of God's plans for me?