Healing Secret

Have you ever been entrusted with a really fantastic secret? I am referring to a secret that was so joyous, so marvelous, so sensational, and so excellent that you could not wait to share it by shouting it from the mountaintop for all the world to hear. Perhaps someone you know just discovered she is pregnant and asked you not to tell anyone. Have you ever been burdened with that kind of secret?

In Mark 1:40-45, Jesus continues his healing ways of the gospel's first chapter by curing a man suffering from leprosy. Surprisingly, Jesus sternly warns him not to tell anyone about this miraculous cure. Instead, our beloved Lord instructs the man to show himself to the priest and offer a sacrifice for his purification that Moses commanded. Incidentally, to learn more about this extensive act of purification, see Leviticus 14:1-32. We learn from the story that the formally unclean man cannot contain this miraculous secret, talking freely, and spreading the news to others. The news reached the people like a wildfire spreads through a drought-laden forest so that Jesus had to remain outside of towns in deserted places. Remarkably, people came to see him anyway.

Mark’s Gospel is straightforward and yet provokes questions for Jesus followers who are curious to know the good news more fully. For instance, what kind of courage is required for an outsider like a leper to approach his Lord and beg him for healing? What kind of love is it that our Lord should choose to make himself unclean in order to heal his follower? What exactly did Jesus heal in the man? Why did Jesus sternly warn him to keep this miraculous secret? If Jesus made him clean, why did he order the man to show himself to the priest and get purified? Why did the man disobey his Lord and spread the news he was entrusted to keep confidential? When the people came from everywhere to see him, what did they want from Jesus?

We might also ask, what does this story say to us today? How are we to understand this part of God’s story as our story as well? Perhaps the healing the man received in our lesson went much deeper than what was visible from the outside. This healing story offers us a glimpse of the kind of mercy God offers through the love of his Son. Jesus is willing to be unclean so that we may be clean by his blood; redeemed to a right relationship with God and his people. The cure that Jesus offers us goes deeper than we can hope or imagine. This gift of grace should empower us with the kind of joy that makes us want to shout it out from the mountaintop.

Emmanuel

Lately I have been considering what it means to refer to God as “Emmanuel” (God with us, Matthew 1:23; Isaiah 7:14). I take for granted most of the time that God is actually with us. As Christians during the Christmas holiday we affirm this truth about God’s grace and since I don’t have any upcoming exams or papers to write, I’m free to ponder a loving God who refuses to leave us alone, especially when we need him the most.

I consider myself blessed to have the good fortune of seeing God’s grace firsthand at different points in my life. In good times and bad and even within the mundane moments of life, God reminds me He is always present and participating in our world and invites me to do the same.

One of the most significant religious experiences of my life occurred nearly ten years ago. At the time I worked for an Information Technology services company as a recruiter. I detested my job. Mostly I was upset with myself because I was never able to achieve the “work-life” balance that the company preached but never practiced themselves. Most of my co-workers (including me) worked late hours to get ahead of our competition at the expense of our personal lives. The tension of wanting to provide for my family and also spend time with them seemed unbearable. The competitive nature of my work led me to believe that while I worked for this company, I could not support my family and also hang out with them. The two ideas were mutually exclusive from one another.

One afternoon I remember sitting on my back porch brooding over this unceasing tension of needing to support a family and wanting to also spend time with them. My two daughters played close by in the backyard. Ironically, I should have been present to them, enjoying their company like the good father that I hoped to become some day, and yet I could not think of anything but work. I loathed myself for not being the dad I wanted to be and out of desperation and frustration I prayed to God to show me a way out of this mess.

In the next moment, my oldest daughter Hailey, who was five years old at the time, pranced up on the porch in her joyful play and exclaimed to me, “Dad, I think God wants you to do exactly what is in your heart.” Then she left to join her sister in the back yard as quickly as she came to me.

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. Seemingly she possessed a profound sense of what the Apostle Paul meant when he said, “… it is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me” (Galatians 2:20a). The shock of praying silently and then receiving an immediate response brought me to tears. Until Hailey’s advice, I had not thought to listen to the voice of Christ who lives in me. I realized that in my misguided efforts to support my family, I never considered whom I aimed to please. Instead of trying to please God, I tried to please too many other people. Instead of listening to the voice of God’s Holy Spirit, I listened to the voices of others. Instead of grounding my hope in God’s word, I trusted the word of successful business people who seemed to have life all figured out. I believe to this day that God used Hailey as a conduit to reach me. She reminded me that God is near in times of desperation as well as times of joy. That afternoon changed the trajectory of my life.

Since that time I learned that religious experiences happen every day as we seek communion with the One who is Emmanuel, especially during the mundane times of our lives. Recently, as I drove my eight year-old Abigail to school, I noticed God’s presence once again within the ordinary, repetitious parts of life. As I passed all the human-made structures around me (buildings, restaurants, cars, sidewalks, and so on) I lifted my eyes upward and fixated on a brilliant, multi-colored, and breath-taking sky. Immediately, my contemplation turned to God. That moment reminded me of the Psalmist’s words of praise saying, “This is the day the Lord has made… The Lord is God and he has given us light” (Psalm 118:24a, 27a). God’s presence in the ordinary brought me once again to tears.

Today I walk humbly in the knowledge that I am never far from God’s presence. He is with us in joy, in sorrow, and even during the ordinary, unremarkable times of life. This awareness leads me to praise and thanksgiving. It moves me to participate in God’s kingdom on earth to encourage others into the same faith that saved me. My prayer for all of us this Advent and Christmas season is that we encounter the One who loved us so much that He gave us the best gift of all, Jesus.

What are you looking for?

What are you looking for? This question prompts an endless number of responses. The answers vary from 'my car keys' to 'my wallet' to other questions like, 'where are you staying?' perhaps.

In my spiritual formation group at seminary our leader asked us to consider this question, "what are you looking for?" Having not given it much thought recently, I am unsure how to answer. The answers seem to vary according to circumstances. Last week I was looking for a break from school. Now that I am midway through that much needed, weeklong break from classes I am already looking for an improbable second week away from the every day rigor of life in divinity school. Looking back over the last semester and a half I could answer the question with something like, "I don't know," followed by, "What am I doing here anyway? Am I cut out for full time ministry?"

The question comes from the first chapter in the Gospel of John, when Jesus asks two disciples of John who are now following him, "what are you looking for?" Probably not knowing exactly how to answer, but at least curious enough to find out more about this man, Jesus, the two men answer, "Rabbi (or teacher), where are you staying?" Jesus doesn't tell them exactly where, but invites them on the journey with him saying, "come and see."

I am realizing more that even though I may not be able to articulate what I am looking for at the moment, I am responding to the invitation to 'come and see.' Maybe it's the mystery of the Gospel or the scandalous salvation that God offers us through Jesus or the search for truth or a combination of all the above. In any case, I possess the motivation (coming from somewhere or someOne perhaps) to make it through weeks when I have a midterm in Greek, a sermon due in Old Testament interpretation, and a paper to hand in for my other two classes, Church History and New Testament interpretation.

I submit that I am much like my youngest daughter, Carter (pictured above), who participated in her first 'Trick-or-Treating' occasion this past Halloween. I bet she didn't know exactly what she was looking for, but if she trusted and abided in her daddy, he would lead her down a path to something sweet.

Likewise, I am trusting in you, Father.

20 Years Ago... Really?

This past weekend Cary High School class of 1990 celebrated its 20 year reunion. Twenty years ago we all graduated high school, looking forward to what the next chapter of our lives would look like. Looking back I wonder how many of us are grateful for how our lives turned out thus far. I wonder how many of us regret some things in those two decades.

This weekend we rekindled old relationships, made new friends through spouses and children, and some of us partied like we were closer to our high school age as opposed to the age we are now. Seeing many of my classmates from my youth all in one place made me feel as though it has only been a few years since that year we graduated from Cary. But the stories we shared and heard suggest that it has been at least twenty years since our high school days.

We have lived and loved. We have died and our hearts have been broken. Some of us have as many as five children (maybe more) and some of us have none. Some of us have parents who are still together and some of us have parents who have split. Some of us have lost a parent or both. Some of us have been happily married for a dozen years or more and some of us have divorced once, maybe twice already. Some of us are single and like it that way, while others are single and lonely. Some of us even have lots of people around us all the time, but constantly fight loneliness. Some of us have healthy children and some of us are caring for children with life-threatening illnesses, treating each day, each hour, each minute like it was a gift. Some of us have jobs and some of us don't. Our lives are changing every day, and yet somehow we are still the same.

This past weekend was full of fun and reflection, leading me to summarize that the last twenty years were full of paradox - laughter and tears. Indeed it reminds me of a Dave Matthews lyric, "the space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more."

My prayer for all of my classmates and their families for the next twenty years is that they will know the truth that is articulated by N. T. Wright from his book, Simply Christian. That truth is "the claim that the paradox of laughter and tears, woven as it is deep into the heart of all human experience, is woven also deep into the heart of God."

College

I remember a picture of John Belushi that my friend from college had hanging in his room at our fraternity house. John was looking bewildered, wearing a sweatshirt sporting the word, "college." My friend would laugh at the picture and say there were so many story lines in that photograph that the commentary could go on forever.

Owen and I made it to "college" yesterday evening in Boone, NC to visit some students who go to our church and some who don't. This trip is part of a three-day, three-stop tour to visit folks on the western part of our great state and who also go to our church. Yesterday we had dinner with seven students and just talked about life for awhile. It was a good time catching up with folks and meeting some new friends.

And the purpose for our little trip? To be in relationship. To let them know someone else cares about them; who they are; and who they want to become. College is an exciting time; full of exploration, adventure, independence and pressure. I want them to know that we are there to support them; to be in relationship with them; to participate in their story lines.

And isn't that what God called us to do - to participate in each others' lives? He created this beautiful life, full of ups, downs, joy, sorrow, pleasure and pain; and He wanted us to know that no matter what, He would not let us go through it alone.

So we surround each other in love, continuing to participate in each others' stories. The stories that are our lives. To Jennah, Eric, and Geoff, I had a great time catching up and I hope to see you all again very soon. And to Brady, Samantha, Jim, Blakely, Emily, and Andrew; it was great meeting you all and I hope we can do it again soon.

On to Asheville and Charlotte!

Abby's Sick Day: Part 2

Abigail woke up later this morning than the past two mornings with no fever. Yay! So she's playing hooky for one more day to ensure that she is well enough to go to school tomorrow. (The only thing she really cares about is that she is healthy enough to trick-or-treat on Saturday.)

We have spent our day reading books to Carter, watching TV, discovering our appetites again, cutting pomegranate (it was the first time for the both of us and I hope my wife can get the stains out of my T-shirt) and taking in a Shrek movie on DVD - the Christmas one of course. Trace Adkins is right. I'm gonna miss this.

Abby's Sick Day

We found out on Saturday that Abby has "pink eye." The doctor at the urgent care facility we visited in Fuquay said that after she has the prescribed antibiotic eye drops for 24 hours, she shouldn't be contagious. Since Saturday her eyes have gotten better but she is showing more cold symptoms including a low-grade fever. By Wake County's school policy this means she gets to stay home with her unemployed dad and her baby sister Carter. We haven't accomplished a whole lot today, but we have enjoyed spending the lazy time together. The picture to the right is of Abby and the 'comforter' a.k.a. Buster. He's a great companion for sick days.

If Abby had not been sick, her unemployed father could have spent the time job searching, networking, applying for jobs, or some other activity that would lead me to that all important next step in my career. This inconvenient detour of the aforementioned goal of securing another job was... welcome. I hope I cherish all the time we have spent together.

Sooo... I'm Back

Judging from the date of my last blog post, it has been over six months since I have written anything here. Funny thing is that I could have written about a lot of stuff and yet I have chosen not to for some reason. I guess it's the old perfectionist attitude in me that says "if it can't be perfect, don't do it all... and do boring stuff like watching TV all day... and whatnot." (I love the conversation filler 'and whatnot' because it really doesn't say or describe anything but at the same time it tells a lot... and whatnot.)

I recently read Don Miller's new book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, and it inspired me write this post this morning. An email from an old friend further encouraged me to sit down in front of my keyboard and do this.

Life and time are just passing me by these days and I need something to help me feel productive at the same time so I'm writing. So this post is to relieve the log jam of ideas and experiences I have stored up so I can fulfill the objective stated in the previous sentence.

If I'm the only one who reads this, then I believe it will have been time well spent. By the way, the picture is our newest addition, Carter. She was born July 6, 2009. We'll talk about her story later.

Reciprocal Blessings?

As a youth I never participated in my church’s youth group. So I am unsure what originally drew me to get involved in the lives of church youth. Maybe it had something to do with swim coaching kids for five years and thoroughly enjoying their company and watching them grow. Maybe it was because I felt like I missed something when I was that age and now I am trying to relive that part of my life through the lives of our church’s youth. Whatever the reason, my wife Monica and I first became youth counselors when we lived in Hickory, NC. After moving to the Apex area and after Lee Barnes became a pastor, we were afforded another opportunity to participate in the spiritual lives of the senior high youth at Apex UMC. That choice to get involved has blessed my life to a degree that cannot be expressed with words.

Becoming a youth counselor is similar to a lot of things in life. You are inevitably bound to go through ‘highs’ and ‘lows.’ There are times when I am overcome with excitement, joy, and appreciation for what God is doing in the lives of young people, not to mention my own. And there are other times when I question if I have what it takes to mentor this group of people. Am I really making a difference? Sometimes I question whether God has really called me to this ministry with younger people. At the end of the day, I do believe I am called to actively participate in our youths’ lives and I relish the opportunity to offer them my support, love, and guidance through true friendship.

“Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and glorify your father in heaven,” (Matthew 5:16) is not only one of my favorite verses from the Bible, it is also something I try to emulate. I can certainly tell you that our youth have been great examples for me in this way. I remember last year I had the opportunity to participate in the 30-hour famine with some of our senior high. During this fasting campaign, the youth were split into groups and given $40 and the instructions to go out into the community and do as much good as you can possibly do. The contest was to be judged to see who best utilized their time and resources.

Our group decided to use the money to buy food at BJ’s, assemble bag lunches, and then visit the homeless in Raleigh to distribute them. We bought the food and assembled more than 40 bags; complete with bottled water, then we drove up to downtown Raleigh. We split up the bags among the members of the group and walked into an area near Moore’s Square where we met several homeless folks who were hungry. We gave out the lunches in less than five minutes. It broke my heart to see so many people in need. I took the time acknowledge each person who received a bag from me with the phrase, “may God bless you.” I also took the time to look at the faces of the other members in our group. Their light was shining forth in such a way that I glorified God, thanking him for the opportunity to be in fellowship with this wonderful group of young people.

That group project is just one of many exciting examples of how the youth of our church serve in ways that lead me to praise God for them every single day. They selflessly serve in ministries such as small group and worship leading in 252 Basics, they take part in FamilyTime, they lead other small groups, and they participate in missions like Appalachian Service Project and Apex Outreach Service Project. Quite often on Sunday mornings you will find some of them teaching or helping in Sunday school classes of younger children. Incidentally, isn’t it odd that members of our youth are more likely to agree to substitute in a children’s Sunday school class than some parents are?

Our youth have had a tremendous impact on my life and undoubtedly the lives of many others in our community and our world. I pray that God will use me in a similar fashion to bless their lives as they continue to learn, dream, grow, and serve. If I could positively affect their lives half as much as they have affected mine, it would indeed be an answer to prayer.

Patience

It has been forty-one days since my last day at Environmental Quality Management. The private equity firm that bought a majority share of the company a couple of years ago decided in January that cost-cutting measures needed to be implemented for the good of the company. Like many companies in this rough economic climate, the board chose to lay off several people as part of that cost reduction strategy and along with fourteen others, I was laid off. I wasn't surprised necessarily because many companies over the last several months have been laying people off. But I guess until it happens to you, many people like me don't think it will ever happen.

Since that day I have survived by the grace of God and the love and support of family and friends. Generally speaking I have been upbeat, positive and hopeful about the future, trusting God that everything will work out according to his plan. It is quite remarkable actually. If my faith was not as strong as it is now, I think I would be in a much darker place. I am thankful for the many blessings that I have received over my lifetime and my good friend taught me to also pray for those blessings that also have not been received. It's comforting but why do I find it hard at this particular moment to be patient, waiting for that next career opportunity to materialize?

I have been fairly diligent in my job hunting efforts, although I probably could devote a little more time and energy to it. And I have been fortunate to interview for a couple of opportunities over the past month or so. It's coming down to the end for one opportunity in particular where I have interviewed with six different people including the president and vice president of the company, but still no good word on who and when they expect to hire. What's frustrating is they have moved the target hire date a couple of times since I first interviewed over a month ago. The latest news is they plan to make a decision by the end of this week. It wouldn't surprise me if they decided to push that date back even further. The excrutiating thing for me is that I am growing more and more impatient as the days and interviews continue. I know God is giving me this time to be patient for Him, but it is becoming increasingly difficult.

I suppose I will find out soon enough and I have prepared myself for the worst. The position will be awarded to either me or another candidate who is also in the running. My fear at this point is that I have not prepared myself enough for the worst.

Christmas Remembered

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. For He has taught me more about grace this Christmas season through the behavior of my children that privately brought me tears of joy.

In an earlier post titled, "How did Christmas get so screwed up," I lamented the fact that I have confused my children regarding the true meaning of Christmas. I prayed for God to forgive me for confusing my children's hearts with things that were not of Him and that his true love would shine through in their hearts this Christmas season. I know now that this prayer was answered and may have already been answered before I knew it. My fear was that my children would somehow be disappointed on Christmas morning and through that disappointment they would lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas, God's gift to this world through the birth of our Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus.

Preparing for the worst but hoping for the best on this Christmas morning 2008, I was pleasantly filled with joy. My children taught me a little more about grace and humility on that day, giving me another booster shot of faith that eventually brought me to tears.

The dilemma was they had Christmas lists that were at least a mile long and they were going to receive only a few things from those lists. Even though I know that the only good gifts come from God and are not of this world, still we have somehow bought into the materialism that is our societal norm evidenced by our daughters' wish lists.

Christmas morning came and our daughters received a modest amount of gifts from Santa, her parents and her grandparents. But instead of the disappointment I expected to see from them, I saw grace, humility, thankfulness, and love.

It culminated in an exchange between Monica and Kaelyn.

Monica: [to Kaelyn] "Did you get everything you wanted?"

I cringed when she asked this, thinking that the response would be disappointing.

Kaelyn: "Yes... and then some"

I'm quite certain that no one saw the tears that welled up in my eyes at Kaelyn's response to my wife's question. These tears of joy were evidence to me that Kaelyn knows that Christmas is not about getting every single thing you write down on your list. Later I asked her what is the reason that we celebrate Christmas. She answered simply, "Jesus' birth."

That is all I needed to hear.

All praise and glory are yours, God. Thank you for blessing me with children who know you better than I do. Thank you for having faith in me even when I doubt you at times. I do not know why you have blessed me far beyond my wildest dreams because you know I don't deserve it. But I'm so glad that you have. I pray that you will allow me to utilize those blessings to bless others in ways that they give you praise and glorify you.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Only His name isn't Santa Claus.

Thank you, God.

Catching up...

Why is it that a lot of us feel as though we're trying to 'catch up' all the time? To 'catch up' means that you have also bought the assumption that you are 'behind.' Which brings me to another favorite saying I heard my mother express from time to time, "it'll get done when it gets done."

Whether you are a task master or a person who suffers with the symptoms of ADHD, accomplishing things is what we all do. Feeling that you need to catch up on your various tasks can be objective, although in many cases it is subjective - meaning that many of us carry around undue anxiety to 'catch up.' Well I'm through. I'm through with making myself feel like I'm desperately trying to bail out the Titanic with a thimble.

So today, instead of 'catching up,' I decided to read some of the posts from the blogs I follow. My new pal Greg (who is a friend of a friend who decided to chronicle the battle he's currently having with cancer) referenced part of a Christmas poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson in his blog, Greg's Alien (http://gregsalien.blogspot.com/2008/12/hair-todaygone-today.html). I took a deep breath, exhaled and read the poem in it's entirety. If you've stumbled upon this blog by accident (which can be the only reason why you're reading this right now) and you want to read the poem too, here it is... http://www.carols.org.uk/snow-ring-out-wild-bells-tennyson.htm. Happy Christmas and may your joy be full this holiday season!

How did Christmas get so screwed up?

We used to make fun of my older cousin Kim and her husband Mike. They have three beautiful children and neither of them know or have ever known Santa Claus to be real. What? Where is the fun in that? Lately I've been thinking that maybe Kim and Mike were right.

I remember when my wife Monica and I had a our first child, Hailey. We were comfortably juggling the whole secular Santa Claus deal with the celebration of the coming of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We were smugly confident that our parenting during the advent season was far superior to that of my older cousin and her husband. Now that our children are older (10, 8 and 5), I am struggling with the pressure of the secular Santa Claus and what I know to be the real reason for the season, the day God came to us in human form - the Word made flesh, dwelling among us (John 1:14). We're in church every Sunday throughout the year and I wonder if my children have truly grasped the meaning of Christmas.

Christmas Past

One Christmas when Hailey and Kaelyn were younger and before Abigail's birth, God blessed us with more than enough financial means for what our family needed. We promptly took that blessing and spent it on our kids for Christmas. Monica and were careful to ensure that each child received the same amount of gifts (9 each plus overflowing stockings) so that it would be "fair." We were so excited on Christmas eve with the anticipation of the joy that would come on Christmas morning for our two darlings when they would realize the truly amazing splendor that Santa had left for them the night before.

On Christmas mornings I'm usually delegated the role of picture-taker. This morning between pictures I carefully studied Hailey and Kaelyn's behavior as they dived into the Christmas cornucopia. It began with both of them carefully unwrapping the first of the gifts they selected. I don't remember what they opened, but each one expressed how excited they were to receive those gifts. It was exactly what they wanted and they could not believe how Santa knew exactly what to bring. Then they moved on to their second gifts, opening them with excitement and a little faster than they unwrapped the first. Again they expressed their gratitude for gift number two just like number one. They moved on to number three as if they suddenly realized that there was a lot of gifts to open and lots of joy to be had. They tore into these gifts with extreme vigor and while they expressed thanks for gift number three, you could see that they were more excited with the anticipation of what might be in gift numbers 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.

Total chaos ensued. Hailey and Kaelyn ripped through the rest of their Christmas packages with an unquenchable thirst for realizing the splendor for all that would be theirs, and at the same time they lost appreciation for all they received. When there were no more gifts left to open, somehow they were disappointed that there were no more gifts left to open. I remember thinking, "what have we done to our children."

Christmas Present

Times are a little tougher now financially than they were during the Christmas of selfish splendor. Monica and I both are making less money than we used to and the Christmas lists of our children are more demanding on our bank account. I don't know if we'll be able to afford the one thing that each of our daughters want the most on their respective lists. We haven't bought the first thing for any of them yet. I suppose we are avoiding the inevitable. What if there was nothing to open on Christmas morning from Santa? Would they still believe in the true meaning of Christmas despite the societal pressure of disappointment in not receiving something from Santa? It's ironic that Christ came to save us from the world that we have created and somehow we find ways to keep perpetuating worldly desires instead of seeking God's perfect will for our lives. As Christmas day approaches, I find myself dreading this reality. This mess I've created for my kids has brought them closer to the world and further away from God.

Christmas Future

God, I pray that you will save my kids from the mess I have created. The only good things in this life come from you and I ask that you forgive me for confusing my children's hearts with desires that are not from you. I pray that your goodness will shine through in their hearts now and forever more so that they may know true joy and happiness that comes with the fullness of knowing that you loved us so much that you sent your son into our world to dwell among us and pay the ultimate price with his life so that we may be reconciled back to you despite our failure into sin. I pray that your truth will be so evident this Christmas season that they will be truly blessed so they may also be a blessing to others.

Is it possible that Mike and Kim had it right all along? I certainly have not poked fun at the way they have raised their children to believe in the true reason for the Christmas season, forsaking the tradition of Santa Claus.

One week left until Christmas. Lord please see me through it.

Can't Seem to Catch a Break Lately

Monica and I traveled together to the funeral home last night. Once again, we were reminded of God's precious gift of life with the unexpected death of yet another young person in our congregation. Katy Williams was too young to leave her family and friends behind for the life eternal with God. She is survived by her husband, Tim and two young daughters, Ashley and Shannon, who are five and three years old respectively. What a glorious mess we are in.

On most Sundays you could see Katy singing beautifully along with our church's praise band at either the 9:35 or 11:00 am service. She was a wonderful daughter, sister, wife and mother, who cared deeply for the people she loved. Although I did not know Katy as well as many people did, anyone could testify to Katy's love by seeing the way she interacted with her family. Seeing the rest of her family and friends last night solidified the fact in my mind that she was also loved by many and will surely be missed terribly as we attempt to carry on with our lives without her.

I know life isn't fair, but it doesn't keep me from saying, "it isn't fair!" I don't have a frame of reference for making any sense of this. And what's worse is I'm having trouble emphathizing with Tim right now. I can't imagine having my 'healthy' wife with me one day, seeing her go into the hospital the next, see things go from bad to worse on the following day, and then receive the news from medical staff that she passed away. What? It can't be happening? It's not real? Is it?

This morning as I was driving to work, I thought about how I would try to cope with what Tim's going through. How would I answer my daughters' questions about where exactly is Mommy? How would I be able to sleep at night? What would I do without the person that I shared every intimate detail of my life with? Would I even be able to sleep in the same bedroom we shared? I don't even know whose socks belong to whom. Monica does ALL the laundry in our house.

I became overwhelmed and started to cry. Selfishly I thanked God that Monica is alive and I am deeply saddened by Tim's loss. I can't even imagine right now how Ashley and Shannon are dealing with this.

Last night I was almost completetly numb as Monica and I passed through the receiving line and met some of Tim and Katy's family. What in the world do you say? I kept my comments short and mostly said things like, "it's nice to meet you" and "I'm sorry for your loss." When I met Katy's dad, I foolishly let the words 'how are you' slip out of my mouth. I had a quick mental conversation with myself. "Well, Benny, how do you think he is, Stupid ?" I wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere and I pray he wasn't affected by my foolish greeting.

When I finally got to Tim, I gave him a big hug and was purposeful in not letting go too soon. I can't imagine how he's actually feeling right now, but I suppose if it was me, I would want lots of hugs from friends and family who don't let go too soon. Katy certainly left our midst way too soon.

Historical Moment in Our Nation and State

It all began on Monday night when our three girls were invited to spend the night with my parents. They were enjoying a two-day break from school and the second happen to be Super Tuesday. But this was not just Super Tuesday, but it was Historical Super Tuesday. And because Monica and I had to work on Monday and Tuesday, my parents graciously offered to look after the kids for us. Thank God for grandparents - even though they tend to let them watch t.v. programs and movies that we wished they would have preapproved with us beforehand. No matter though because a historical moment would take place by the end of the day, Tuesday.



By the end of the day's voting our nation would either have the first African-American president ever or the first female vice-president ever. It was exciting to say the least. And to top it off, in North Carolina we would decide if this would be the year we would elect the first woman governor of our state. My anticipation rivaled that of a Duke-UNC basketball game, which is pretty exciting for me.



So having the kids spend the night with their Nana and Papa on Monday night made it possible for Monica and me to vote together before we made our way into work. Mostly I voted democratic this time around, a stark contrast from the last election. I don't know what it is but the more books I read, the more people I meet, and the more praying I do, I have aligned more with ideaology that is on the left. It's funny. I thought that the more I became religiously faithful, I would certainly become part of the evangelical Christian right. But that's not the case.



The results reflected the poker equivalent of a full house. Barak Obama and Joe Biden were elected president and vice president respectively. Bev Perdue became the first woman governor of North Carolina, after serving two terms as lieutenant governor. And Kay Hagan unseated Libby Dole for the U.S. Senate seat. All three races were expected to be close but I didn't believe that all democrats would get elected. It's certainly a testimony to the way things have gone recently with a republican-led government in our nation's past eight years.



The part that saddens me is I fear we have not pulled ourselves out of playing partisan politics when it comes to dealing with the issues our nation faces. I'm afraid that our two-party system perpetuates this 'us' versus 'them' attitude and we cannot seem to look past petty differences to accomplish the work that is before us.



With a weak economy, an unpopular war in the middle east, a deficient healthcare system, tax burdens, a failing social security system, and so on, we have plenty of work to do. But how much can we realistically accomplish? Will anyone step up the courage and take his/her ego out of the equation in order to work with others to make this a better America and better world to live in? I am cautiously optimistic.

Out of Time, But Not Easily Forgotten

You can easily become consumed with trying to find answers to questions that begin with the word, why. Why is the sky blue? Why does only one sock return from the wash whenever two go in? Why do certain smells (like recently cut grass) remind me so much of my childhood?



Then there are the why questions that touch us even deeper. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does love hurt so bad sometimes? Why does a beautiful, selfless 26 year-old woman who comes from a good and faithful family die of cancer during the prime of her life, while others who seem to be selfishly motivated most of their lives, live to a ripe old age?



Although I didn't know Corey Haddon, I knew people in our congregation who did. On October 26th, 2008, this 26-year old woman lost her battle with melanoma and there are no easy answers to the question why. Why did this happen to her? Why did this happen to her family? Where was God during all of this?

For difficult questions there are no easy answers. Furthermore I am repelled by things people say who believe they have the answers. I'm talking about well-meaning Christians who say things like, "this was God's will," or "the Lord needed her in heaven." What's worse is there are people who will use unfortunate and tragic examples like the untimely death of a young person, to perpetuate the belief that God does not exist. They will argue that a loving and just god would not allow such things to happen and therefore he does not exist. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have even a few of them. I do know that seeing the faith of the Haddon family during her funeral and hearing the stories that were told about Corey I am certain (now more than ever) that God does, in fact exist! I could feel his presence right there in that church sanctuary and I was certain that he had been with Corey and her family during their most difficult times recently.

Because of her faith and the fullness of God's grace, she positively touched many people that she knew and many who did not know her. People like me. She lived her life growing into the fullness of God's plans for her. Even during the last few weeks of her life, Corey used her God-given talents to create. Her artistic ability and the relationships she cultivated in her relatively short time on this earth were lovingly displayed during her funeral on Friday. It is happily obvious that during her life she loved many and was loved by many. In her death her testimony lives on through the people's lives she touched.

As for the why questions, I have resolved to believe that there are some things in life that will remain a mystery. I don't know why bad things happen to good people. I have to admit that when they do, my faith is tested and doubt enters in. But as the Danish philosopher, Soren Kierkegard, points out, faith cannot exist without doubt. The beauty is that we have the opportunity to choose whether we will believe in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

One of my favorite musical groups, Caedmon's Call, accurately describe this phenomenon in the song Shifting Sand. The chorus goes like this...

"My faith is like shifting sand

Changed by every wave

My faith is like shifting sand

So I stand on grace"

I can't explain a God who would continue to love me, even as I doubt him. His grace is wonderfully sufficient for me. The last verse is...

"Waters rose as my doubts reigned

My sand-castle faith, it slipped away

Found myself standing on your grace

It'd been there all the time"

Though the sand in the hourglass of Corey's life has run out here on this earth, she lives a victorious new life with Christ. Her legacy will undoubtedly live on in the people she has left behind for a short time.

The question I find asking myself today is not why any more. But do I have the courage to live my life like Corey did? Do I dare live into the fullness of God's plans for me?

"Diggin a Ditch" is Mirroring the Soul Right Now

I don't know why but depending on what's going on in my life, there's always music I identify with that mirrors what's happening. Lately I've been in a Dave Matthews Band state of mind and there's this song that reflects my mood and my soul, "Diggin a Ditch." As with many DMB songs, I'm not sure if I ever figure out exactly what he's talking about, but this song seems to really resonate with me for some reason right now.

Maybe it's because I feel like I'm going 100 miles an hour and can't slow down if I tried. Maybe it's because I am so busy doing stuff, I loathe the fact that I don't spend enough time with my kids or my wife. Maybe it's also because when I do have time with my loved ones, the anticipation and the expectations somehow control me and the time spent with them, doesn't measure up.

Part of the song goes like this...

"Run to your dreaming

When you're alone

Unplug the TV, turn off your phone

Get heavy on with digging your ditch

Cause I'm digging a ditch where madness gives a bit

Digging a ditch where silence lives

Digging a ditch for when I'm old

Digging this ditch my story's told"

Again, I'm no expert on interpreting DMB songs but with this opening part, I know what it seems to mean to me. The singer is consumed with obligations and the busy-ness of his life that he's beginning to go crazy. So he does the only thing he can to escape. When he's alone he can unplug the 'noise' around him and work out some frustration in a mundane task like digging a ditch. The very act of blunt, hard labor blocks out the noise and busy-ness of his life and his madness does give in a bit.

My middle daughter, Kaelyn, was complaining earlier this week that we don't get to spend time as a family. Yesterday, remembering she said this, and realizing that I had a couple of hours to spend with her and her younger sister, I suggested that we play "Rock Band" on the Wii. So we got the drums and guitar out and wailed on a few songs. We were having fun up to the point when she wanted to play with her friend, Sarah, who lives a couple of doors down. We argued about it a bit because I wanted to spend some time with her and she wanted to also spend some time with her friend. Upset, eventually I gave in. Well it turned out that Sarah wasn't home and instead of resuming our play together, I read a book, Kaelyn watched TV upstairs, and the youngest (Abby) watched a different TV show downstairs. We did this mostly because I wanted to dig my ditch instead of play with my kids. By the time she returned home from finding out that Sarah could not play with her, my attitude was already in the gutter because of my unreasonable expectations.

A similar incident happened with my wife later in the evening. Unreasonable anticipation and expectations that no one should have to live up to... again got the better of me.

And meanwhile I unplug the TV and turn of the phone, so I can get heavy on with diggin my ditch.

The Book Club and the Ripple Effect

Yesterday I attended my first book club meeting as an honorary member of the Apex UMC Youth. I am lucky enough to be a Senior High Youth Counselor because of my youth pastor, Lee, and I am also fortunate that the fantastic youth we have at our church consider me to be 'okay' enough to join them for activities like their book club.

We discussed many different aspects of The Shack, by William Young. Although Molly and I apparently were the only ones present who were able to finish it prior to the meeting, everyone had a contribution. That's what I love about book clubs (I think... because it's the first one I've ever been to). You can make a contribution to the discussion because ultimately we're talking about how the story applies to our lives. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to have completed the book, but some knowledge of it is helpful. Quite honestly I don't see how teens find time to participate in worthwhile things like 'book club' when they have so many other things going on. I certainly didn't start reading for fun until I became an adult. But I digress.

In any case we got off on a tangent at one point, as discussions often do whenever I'm apart of them. Somehow we started talking about how our choices can affect the people around us. The effect can be dramatic or not so much. It can also be positive, negative or maybe indifferent I suppose.

Immediately I made the connection that sometimes our actions may seem small and insignificant, and yet they have a far reaching effect on the people around us. My personal example of this happens to involve my oldest daughter, Hailey.

Several years ago I had a job that paid decent money and at the same time I was absolutely miserable. I don't remember much about the particular work situation that had me so distraught one afternoon while sitting on my back deck, watching our kids play in the yard. I do recall that I was wrapped up in thought, lamenting about what to do and not even remotely focused on the joy of my daughters. The blessings of life were passing me by that afternoon and I didn't even have a clue.

Thankfully, two people had a clue about what was happening: God and Hailey. I'm convinced to this day that God and Hailey were having a sidebar conversation about me without my knowledge. The moment I was made aware of this happened through a small interaction I had that afternoon with Hailey. As she was playing with her sister, she ran by me as I was sitting there consumed in thought. She stopped cold in her tracks, looked straight at me and said, "Daddy (to get my attention so that I would make eye contact with her), I think God wants you to do whatever is in your heart." Then she went on playing like she never missed a beat or said anything at all to me.

Whoa! It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had not even considered to ask God what he thought about what was going on. In fact it had been a long time since I had even prayed. At that moment I thanked God again for the beautiful gift of Hailey and for giving her such clarity to be able to speak the truth about matters that seemed far too 'adult' for her to comprehend. Jesus says in Matthew 11:28, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children." Thanks be to God.

I retold this story to my book club buds yesterday. One of my friends, Keela, asked me if I was going to tell Hailey about this. Up to this point Hailey doesn't know what kind of impact she made on me. Eventually I left that job for one that was less demanding on my time with my family and I enjoyed it far more (even if it did pay less). I made some joke that I will probably tell her at some significant event in her life like graduation or her wedding. And I said I probably will be so choked up with emotion that the tears won't allow me to tell the story.

But, why is it that I am waiting again?

Jason DeGroff, another friend of mine, once said, "never miss an opportunity to tell others what they mean to you." I agree with that statement and it's time I started living it again.

The fact is we don't truly know what life has in store for us tomorrow or if there ever will be a tomorrow. Life is such a beautiful gift from God and we don't even know enough to be able to truly put that into the proper context.

I am certain that random acts of kindness, whether small or big, have profound effects on others, sometimes more than we realize. Whether it's a huge fundraiser to build wells in Africa because everyone should have access to clean drinking water, or it's a simple smile in the direction of a stranger because everyone deserves to be acknowledged as a child of God -- spreading love and good will is always the right thing to do.

When I get home this evening, I am going to tell the story of that day that changed my life to Hailey. I will try to express in words what she means to me and yet I know I will fall dreadfully short of my true feelings. I will tell her I love her and I am proud of her.

And to my wife, Monica... If for some reason I don't make it home tonight, please share this story with Hailey. She deserves to know.

The Race by D. H. Groberg

Early in my career, my mentor, friend and boss at the time, John Hall, gave me a poem to read that was related to perseverance. D. H. Groberg titled this poem, "The Race" and it has been an inspiration to me still today. On days when I've needed a 'pick-me-up' and on the normal, mundane days, this poem has stirred my emotions to illicit tears.

Sometimes I imagine that I am the young boy and 'the race' is my life. Of course 'the dad' is played by God. The 'falling down' is my sin and the 'the getting back up' is my asking God for His forgiveness. I wonder what you think?

The Race
by D. H. Groberg

"Quit, give up, you're beaten"
They shout at you and plead
"There's just too much against you
This time you can't succeed".

And as I start to hang my head
In front of failure's face
My downward fall is broken by
The memory of a race

And hope refills my weakened will
As I recall that scene
Or just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being

Children's race, young boys
Young men, how I remember well
Excitement sure, but also fear
It wasn't hard to tell

They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win that race
Or tie for first, or if not that
At least take second place

The fathers watched from off the side
Each cheering for his son
And each boy hoped to show his dad
That he could be the one

The whistle blew and off they went
Young hearts and hopes afire
To win and be the hero there
Was each young boy's desire

And one boy in particular
Whose dad was in the crowd
Was running near the lead and thought
"My dad will be so proud"

But as they speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip
The little boy who thought to win
Lost his step and slipped

Trying hard to catch himself
With hands flew out to brace
And amid the laughter of the crowd
He fell flat on his face

But as he fell his dad stood up
And showed his anxious face
Which to the boy so clearly said
"Get up and win the race"

He quickly rose, no damage done
Behind a bit that's all
And ran with all his might and mind
To make up for the fall

So anxious to restore himself
To catch up and to win
His mind went faster than his legs
He slipped and fell again

He wished then that he had quit before
With only one disgrace
"I'm hopeless as a runner now
I shouldn't try to race"

But in the laughing crowd he searched
And found his father's face
That steady look which said again
"Get up and win the race"

So up he jumped to try again
Ten yards behind the last
If I'm going to gain those yards he though I've got to move real fast

Exerting everything he had
He regained eight or ten
But trying hard to catch the lead
He slipped and fell again

Defeat, he lay there silently
A tear dropped from his eye
There's no sense running anymore
Three strikes, I'm out, why try?

The will to rise had disappeared
All hope had fled away
So far behind so error prone
A loser all the way

"I've lost, so what", he thought
I'll live with my disgrace
But then he thought about his dad
Whom soon he'd have to face

"Get up" the echo sounded low
"Get up" and take your place
You were not meant for failure here
"Get up", and win the race

With borrowed will "Get up" it said
"You haven't lost at all"
For winning is no more than this
To rise each time you fall

So up he rose to run once more
And with a new commit
He resolved, that win or lose
At least he shouldn't quit

So far behind the others now
The most he'd ever been
Still he'd give it all he had
And run as though to win

Three times he'd fallen, stumbling
Three times he'd rose again
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end

They cheered the winning runner
As he crossed the line first place
Head high and proud and happy
No falling, no disgrace

But when the fallen youngster
Crossed the line, last place
The crowd gave him the greater cheer
For finishing the race

And even though he came in last
With head bent low, unproud
You would have thought he'd won the race To listen to the crowd

And to his dad he sadly said
"I didn't do too well"
"To me you won", his father said
"You rose each time you fell"